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Episode 11/Transcript
Brittnay: So then the dressmaker brings out this dress and it has silk and chiffon and satin— Trisha: Wait. Is chiffon a material, or a person? Or both? Brittnay: It's a material, Trisha. Deandra: Alright, well, I'm gonna go now. Brittnay: I'm sorry, was I not just in the middle of a story? Deandra: Yeah, but I wasn't really that interested in it. (Deandra begins to walk away) Brittnay: I swear to God, I am this close. This fucking close! (Mackenzie walks over) Mackenzie: Deandra, are you aware that we have cheer practice in fifteen minutes? Deandra: Oh yeah, I'm not going to that. Trisha: Oh my God, are you dying? Deandra: No, I have a meeting. Mackenzie: I'm sorry Deandra, a meeting? Did you document this meeting with the Cheer Squad Scheduling Council? Trisha: Oh, no, no. No, I did not receive any documentation. Speaking of documentation, Ashley Katchadorian, no word back yet, but I am... persistent on the matter. Deandra: You guys have a good rest of your day. Biye! (Deandra begins to walk away) Brittnay: What the fuck did you just say? (Deandra turns around) Deandra: Um, I just said bye. Mackenzie: No, that wasn't just any bye. That was the trademark sound of— (Shay, Cameron, and Mikayla walk in) Shay, Cameron, and Mikayla: Hiye! Mackenzie: What the fuck are you doing here, Gay Van Buren? Shay: Hey! That's not my name. Mikayla: Cut the shit, Zales. We're not here for you! Cameron: Deandra. Do you like making me look like a dickhole? Do you? (pause) Deandra: You want me to say no, right? Cameron: You're goddamn right I want you to say no! Because I didn't drive all the way down here from Wichita listening to talk fucking radio for you to show up twenty-five minutes late to the goddamn Van Buren family strategy meeting! Brittnay: Wait, I'm sorry, d-did you just say strategy meeting?! Cameron: Oh, I'm sorry, Brittnay, I didn't smell you there. How's your chlamydia circus? Brittnay: Oh, it's fucking gone but thanks for asking, how's your fucking cock-eyed nipple? Cameron: It's looking both ways. I heard you farted in biology and it smelled like your dad's dick. Brittnay: Heard your fourth abortion was free. Gotta love those free punch cards. Cameron: You bitch. Brittnay: You fucking cunt. Cameron: You fucking bitch. Brittnay: Cunt. Cameron: Bitch. Brittnay: Cunt. Cameron: Bitch. Mikayla: So, um, do you usually just stand here and watch while all of this goes on? Trisha: Um, pretty much. Brittnay: Twat! Cameron: Tú es un bitcho. Brittnay: Fuck off. Cameron: Go fuck yourself. Trisha: Hey, I like your dress. Mikayla: Thanks, Kids R Us. Trisha: Oh. I'm definitely gonna check that place out. (Brittnay and Cameron continue spewing insults when Mackenzie walks between them) Mackenzie: You guys! Enough!! I will not let you make us late for cheer practice. Trisha, Brittnay, Deandra, let's go. Shay: Um, excuse, Deandra is an honorary Van Buren cousin, we had her sworn in and everything. Cameron: She's coming with us. Brittnay: The fuck she is! She may be a dirty fucking slut, but at least she's ours. Trisha: Yeah, she's a member of the cheer squad. Bottom row of the pyramid, third from the left. Everyone except Deandra: (gasp) Deandra! Deandra: Umm... I have to poop now? Shay: Deandra, you're a member of this family, you poop with us! Mackenzie: Uh, no! Deandra, you're a cheerleader. You shit with us! Cameron: She's a Van Buren! Brittnay: She's a goddamn motherfucking cheerleader! Mikayla: Van Buren! Trisha: She's a cheerleader! (The Van Burens and the cheer squad begin tugging at Deandra's arms, pulling her back and forth) Van Burens: Van Buren! Cheer Squad: Cheerleader! Van Burens: Van Buren! Cheer Squad: Cheerleader! Deandra: Um, you guys, this is kind of— (Deandra's arms fly off, and blood squirts out onto Shay, Mackenzie, and the lockers.) Deandra: (screams and runs off) Cameron: Holy shit. (leaves) Shay: Oh my God. (leaves) Brittnay: I-I'm gonna go. (leaves) Mackenzie: Trisha, we're gonna hold practice fifteen minutes. But I'll see you out there. (leaves) (Ashley comes in) Ashley: Uh, hey Trisha, Jenna Dapananian said you wanted to see me. Trisha: (quietly) Ashley Katchadorian. You were supposed to be watching the door. Ashley: Oh, noo, I know. It's just, my family and I, we went to Pearl Harbor for two weeks, so, it's kind of a thing we do every year. Didn't you get the vacation request form I submitted before I left? Trisha: (quietly) You were supposed to be watching the door. Ashley: Well, yeah, I know, but I submitted the form and I was gonna— Trisha: You were supposed to be watching the door! Ashley Katchadorian! (sobbing) Ashley: Um, Trisha, are you— Trisha: Do you know what these are, Ashley Katchadorian? These are a little girl's arms. A little girl with dreams, with legs, with a head. Ashley: I really—um, Trisha— Trisha: She's a pencil. She's a swizzle stick. You can use her as a pool noodle. And now I'm holding up her arms! Arms! Ashley: Okay, but, but, I was— Trisha: I'm holding them because you weren't watching the door. Ashley: I, um, I was at Pearl Harbor— Trisha: A girl lost her arms, Ashley Katchadorian. A girl lost her fucking arms. Do you not know what has transpired while you were in Pearl Harbor, seeing the fucking Japanese Museum? We had our own Pearl Harbor here today. Oh my god. How could you do this to us? You literally bombed us. Like the Japanese you are. And me, I'm Ben Affleck—and I'm Ben Affleck and I'm holding two fucking girls' arms. And you're Cuba Gooding junior, disappointing everybody. Live with that! (Judith and Rachel come in screen as Trisha chases Ashley with Deandra's arms) Judith: Rachel, was that, part of the plan, for that girl to get her arms ripped off? Rachel: No, that had nothing to do with the plan. Judith: Rachel... nothing like this has ever happened on Gossip Girl. I want to be in that show. Rachel: Me too, Judith. Me too.